Blended Families

Blended families are families where one or both spouses have children from previous marriages or relationships. The blended family includes the natural parent, the step-parent, and various step children. The census bureau noted that 50% of marriages in the USA are from remarried individuals and predicted in 1990 that by 2000 blended families would outnumber original families.

Blended families aren’t easy. They have such a difficult reputation that when I was ready to marry a single mother, everyone warned me about the pitfalls of a blended family. A few friends said blended families were impossible. Some other friends said they were indeed doable, but difficult. However, nobody said making blended families work was easy!

After years of experience in blended families, I must agree with people who think blended families are hard, but possible. What follows is my advice on step families and how to make them work for you.

1. Both Adults In the Blended Family Must Agree To the Rules

It’s important for both adults to set the ground rules at the start. Blended families are always easier when the adults are on the same page. The couple involved in the blended families must agree to a list of dos and donts, especially when it comes to the children and their discipline.

In my blended family, my wife and I were never on the same page at the beginning and it was awful. Her child knew that she could always undo my decisions if she went to her mother. After months of strife, we sat down and made a list of rules that we both agreed to follow. It made our blended family much less stressful.

2. The Parents Must Decide on Discipline Duties

The natural parent and the step parent may decide to share discipline duties. This method can work with blended families and is common. However, the step-parent in the blended families needs to realize that discipline will be hard in the start, since the child is used to the style of the natural parent. However, whatever decision, the step-child must, at the very least, respect the step-parent.

It’s important to discuss this with the step-child in advance so that there’s no surprises. Sit him or her down and explain how you are both in charge of the household now and it’s important to respect and abide by the decisions of both parents. Blended families work best when the parents and children are united in discipline decisions.

3. Always Bring the Step-Child Into the Conversation

The son or daughter may not be on board with the new blended family. Maybe the stepson or stepdaughter will see the step-parent as an intruder or regard the blended family members as imposters, replacing the role of the natural, non-custodial parent. The child may also resent his or her step brother and step sister. The natural parent must remind the child to at least be respectful and open minded to his new family. The natural parent must model this behavior as well.

If the step-child is resistant to blended families, sometimes love and patience are all it takes. If the step-child doesn’t get on board, it may be time to get professional help.

4. Keep Up With Custody Issues

Divorce and custody issues could impact blended families. If another parent is in the mix, he or she may try to create problems in the new blended family. It may become necessary to talk to the natural parent, especially if he or she is poisoning the child and harming the success of the blended families. If the situation gets uncontrollable a court appointed arbitrator may be required to protect the blended families.

I hope you found my advice on blended families helpful. I’ve been in a blended family for over four years. Although it’s been tough, we’ve endured and made it work. If you have advice for blended families, please share your experience in the comments.